Archive | March, 2010

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QDOBA to students: We ain’t taken yo drunken ralphin’ no more

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

Campus Qdoba employees and restaurant owners have decided they are done. Done with drunken Marquette students coming at the wee hours of the morning after a night of drinking and debauchery. Done with
cleaning vomit off their floors. And done with declined credit cards after students decide to try ordering
86 steak quesadillas at one time.

“ We have had it, the students are too irresponsible for us,” said Guac Ancheese, restaurant owner of the
Qdoba on the Marquette campus. “We liked the business at first but now it is just ridiculous.”

Beginning after Easter break the establishment will turn away any intoxicated students. Slurring of words, falling over, loudness and ordering overt amounts of burritos will no longer be tolerated. Employees were overjoyed to hear the restaurant’s new policy.

“The rest of the employees and I were about to go on strike,” said Nacho Smith, a four year employee and
student at University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. “I was getting tired of having to get the mop out every
Thursday, Friday and Saturday night.”

Qdoba’s new policy comes after having 10 students in one night puke near the entrances of the restaurant. An
innocent customer’s unfortunate slip on one of the alcoholic puddles and a prospective lawsuit got the company to take action. While the restaurant is content with their decision Marquette students are fretful of these new developments.

“Where are we going to go eat after the parties are over,” asked Luna Lovebeer, a sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences. “I am going to miss being able to eat a big thing of nacho and queso after a good night of drinking.”

Some students have found that they can survive without the Mexican restaurant’s offerings. “There is always Jimmy John’s,”said an optimistic Johnny Corona.

The College of Education junior has found since he started drinking that it is all about “having a back-up plan if things go south.”

Other students have found that it might be for the best if Qdoba continues forward with its new policy. “I always got sick off their food anyways,” said Jamie Lesparty, a College of Communication freshman.
“Then again chugging wine while pregaming and then doing nine shots of tequila and then eating a bean burrito
might be the issue too…”

Despite various student reactions to the new policy, Qdoba is being backed by the Department of Public Safety (DPS) and the Milwaukee Police Department (MPD).

“We already do not like that students are participating in underage drinking and we stand by the Milwaukee community in teaching these kids to be more responsible with their liquor,” said DPS and MPD in a
joint statement.

Wherever hungry, hung-over students decide to go, it most certainly cannot be Qdoba.

“It is going to be either they go somewhere else or we will personally toss them out of our building,” said Ancheese. “We are not supposed to be like a secondary dorm room for them to sober up.”

**DISCLAIMER – This article is apart of The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition

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Rampant Easter consumerism leaves MU parents penniless, but better Catholics after hard Lenten season

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

Santa eats your cookies and gives you presents Christmas Eve.

Strangers give you candy on Halloween.

And up until recently, the Easter bunny gave you chocolate eggs — but now that’s all about to change.

The mass holiday consumerism that has defined Christmas celebrations across the United States has expanded
its influence on Easter and planted its seeds in Milwaukee.

College students and their families have started exchanging Easter presents in recent years.

“Last year I got a Lamborghini,” Marquette junior Chadwick Wellington said. “Not only that, but it was full of
chocolate eggs.”

The growing competition of extravagant Easter gift exchanges between family members and friends force parents to continually one-up the last gift with something bigger and better.

One mother explained her cycle of exhausting ideas.

“Only six years ago, all I had to get my kid was a chocolate egg,” Cindy Lu, mother of twelve, said. “Three
years ago I bought her a pony. Then I bought her a car. Last year was a jet. This year I got creative and bought her an Easter Island rock!”

Is all this spending necessary? At the end of the day, millions of families are left penniless.

“I’m on welfare now,” said Patrick Teel, father of seven teenagers.

At the current rate of American Easter gift spending, statisticians predict the end of the national deficit
within three years.

The Catholic tradition celebrates Jesus’ resurrection as redemption for the sins of humankind. Maybe that’s
not all he will have redeemed.

**DISCLAIMER – This article is apart of The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition

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Marquette to institute first mid-second-half-spring semester break this April

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

Easter break is not the end. Marquette administrators announced the first annual mid-second-half spring semester break, scheduled April 17 to 28, in response to overworking undergraduate and graduate students.

“I see stress left and right,” Jesuit resident Fr. Rob Dovesleep said. “Students need a relaxing break every once in a while to free their minds of thoughts of schoolwork.”

Students, administrators and university faculty and staff agree that fall midterm break, Thanksgiving break, winter break, spring break and Easter break are not enough vacation times for Marquette students.

“We work too long and too hard to receive only five holidays — well, six holidays including summer vacation,” College of Communication sophomore Lacy Snobb said. “Personally, I feel underappreciated.”

Nearly 500 complaints to student government regarding holiday expansion instigated action. Student government made an appeal to Marquette’s administrators in October to expand current vacation days — another fruitless effort.

Soon grapevine awareness spread among the student body until it reached senior Frida Latime who decided to take matters into her own hands. By January 17, Latime presented a petition signed by half of the student body to President Robert A. Wild, SJ.

Administrators debated and deliberated for two months until they reached unanimous consent to start mid-second-half-spring semester break.

Marquette academic calendar manager Pen Silmean said: “Marquette is built off of a reputation of excellence.
We try to maintain and promote that standard with student support. I believe mid-second-half-spring
semester break will help students continue to achieve greatness.”

**DISCLAIMER – This article is apart of The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition

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Lately, local Jimmy Butler enthusiasts have been unenthused

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

Long time Jimmy Butler enthusiast, and current Marquette University graduate student Monica Herron, has lately seen her overall level of enthusiasm waning. Herron’s adamant “pro-Butler” stance during the 08-09 season came as a surprise to many of her friends, who never really saw her as a fan of the 6’7 forward. “Monica was always just a fan of the game in general, so it came as a shock when she presented us with the idea of cheering for Jimmy Butler during the Cincinnati game last year” said Herron’s friend, and longtime work associate Meep Ghees.

During last season, Butler saw his status as a bonafide Big East athlete rise to new heights, thanks much in part to fans like Herron.

As for her enthusiasm during the 09-10 season, Herron claims it stems from his constant playing out of position. “When you’re 6’7 and playing center, that’s talent,” remarked Herron during a recent Saturday afternoon pickup game at the Rec Center. “However,” stated Herron, “I just don’t really feel that enthusiastic about him anymore”

When asked about her waning enthusiasm for the player, Herron simply shrugged, let out a coy smile, and said, “I guess the reason I liked him before was his ability to play big as a smaller guard. Now, he just plays big in an undersized desk somewhere in Johnston Hall, and no one even knows where that is.”

**DISCLAIMER – This article is apart of The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition

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MLB fantasy leaguers dream about going all the way, only dream

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

We are less than a week away from the most anticipated moment in professional sports. Well that is the most anticipated in Fantasy professional sports: Opening Day.

It may be an open debate as to which sport’s beginning is more anticipated in the US but my guess is it would still be between college hoops and baseball but you can rest assured as far as fantasy sports go this day falls second to none.

For those of you that are avid baseball fans you know that feeling that comes around in late March, and early April where once Marquette gets bumped out of the NCAA Tournament, the only think on your mind is Opening Day. You can not wait for that first pitch, the first time Prince comes to the plate and the first game that you can tailgate for. Every other sport becomes meaningless and any day that your team is off seems like the longest day of the year.

While those feelings are similar among those that are ready to kick off their fantasy leagues for the 2010 season, but I can promise you their excitement and love for the game is on a whole other level. Their world is one absorbed in statistics and completely consumed by potentials. They have no favorite team, and their only favorite player is the one producing the most points. Their only concern for that first pitch is how the pitcher looked and whether or not he needs to be traded in order for the betterment of a fake team. Prince’s plate appearance will matter only for a fake team only one person will ever care about, and no tailgating will be done because let’s face it they will be too busy exploring trades for J.J. Hardy that will help the Nosepickers.

If you do not know about the craze that is single handedly consuming grown men and women’s lives believe me the players know about it. Ryan Braun who is widely considered one of the best prospects for any fantasy team has reportedly been feeling the pressure. Aside from the pressures of a new contract, being the team’s go-to guy of the future, opening his new restaurant in downtown Milwaukee, he now has the pressure of baseball nerds everywhere to perform.

The pressure of the fantasy world has been by far the most stressful part of the young sluggers new season. According to sources that may have no contact with Braun, his status as a pre-season fantasy all-star is taking his toll. He has been taking extra cuts at practice, working on his fielding, and studying pitchers for the sole purpose of some unknown fantasy geek in Tacoma, Washington who hopes he will be the anchor. He is reportedly hoping that he can have 30 multi-homer games this season just so that he can escape the condescending eyes of owners of fake teams nationally.

These owners no longer care if their favorite team wins more than 50 games because let’s face it they have no favorite team. The fantasy teams have sacrificed the sanctity of America’s pastime for the prospect that they’ll be crowned a victor in a league that eleven other people will see the results. You think steroids had a bad effect on baseball? Wait until people begin complaining that their star player has had to sit out two games with a lower back strain. Who cares about any potential Cinderellas in the 2010 season? The guys that run their fantasy teams sure won’t. Just remember when your favorite team has just rattled off a ten game win streak this season and is in the thick of the play-off race, fantasy owners everywhere will find fault with their guys that have not hit .400, slugged 60 homers and stolen 100 bases.

**DISCLAIMER – This article is apart of The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition

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“Lust for victory” prompts Boston Celtics to draft Frozena

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

On the 29th of March at roughly 2:30 pm GMT, the Boston Celtics, a popular team in the National Basketball Association, announced that they intended to add Marquette University baller Robert Frozena, to their roster for the 2011-2012 basketball season. The news was not surprising for many die hard MU basketball fans who have followed Frozena’s career closely since they were freshmen at Marquette. Brian Graf, a sophomore in the college of arts and sciences, a native of Rhode Island was wicked stoked, “As a fan of the Boston Celtics, I am honored to have Frozena as a prospective addition to our roster.”

The Celtics’ head coach, Glenn Rivers, is very enthusiastic, “We’re excited to get some new blood into our program and we have been watching Rob for a while now.” Assistant Coach Armond Hill is also excited for Rob to join the team, “Marquette has been turning out quality ball players for quite some time now, and we’re excited to have a Golden Eagle on our team soon.” Marquette has, in fact, been a pipeline for many players including, most recently, Dwayne Wade and Dominic James, and it seems this tradition will continue.

With the thought of a professional career looming, Frozena must remain focused on his current tasks at hand. “I still have another year of college, I have another season here with the team, and a lot of work to do towards my major.” Not distracted, but even more determined to succeed seems the Junior at Marquette.

Meanwhile, the coaching staff at Marquette is very enthused about this recent business. “Having coached here for the past years, it has always been gratifying to me to watch these young men grow. Rob has grown so much since he first entered our program and the lessons he’s learned, no doubt, will carry over into his professional career,” said Head Coach Buzz Williams.

Fellow players also expressed their excitement for their teammate’s good fortune. “We’re all really excited that our teammate is hearing such good news so early, it really shows that he’s make big heads turn in the NBA” said Jimmy Butler, a fellow Junior here at Marquette.

With another year of Frozena on the home court here at Marquette, students can only wonder what kind of season they will have next year. While the student support for their athletic classmates has always been strong, it’s sure to see a real leap over the next year. Students now can only await the coming season with an intensified lust for victory, longing to once again fill the Bradley Center with that timeless chant: WE ARE MARQUETTE!

**DISCLAIMER – This article is apart of The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition

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Campus plagued by new “S1F1” flu virus; apathy skyrockets big time

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

Lately, students on campus have been showing symptoms of the dreaded S1F1 flu bug. Class attendance has been around 68%, according to Dr. Jim Brown, an associate professor of the Psychology department. “My students have been skipping class, and this worries me greatly. The students who continue to attend class suffer from lacking motivation, and I fear they may catch the bug.”

The symptoms of this influenza range from moderate to severe, and include inside-itis, boredom, fatigue, and overall grumpiness. Marsha Gidj, RN, on staff at Student Health Services says she recommends students to “rise at early hours, consume large dorm food portions, and encourages time playing outdoor Frisbee.”
Gidj hopes all of these efforts will help to slow the spread of the dreadfully contagious infection.

The flu scare initially began last week, on Monday, March 22nd. The cause for the breakout on campus was determined to be Spring Break, and unfortunately, the warm temperatures previously experienced in Milwaukee. The University declined to comment on this. Soon, an Easter break begins, and officials fear it may significantly spread among students, and could perhaps become more deadly.

The treatment for this infection is self-regulated, and includes a daily nap, three square meals, and “taking it easy.” In addition, it is strongly recommended that students avoid the library, reading textbooks, carrying a heavy backpack, and any other mentally or physically exerting activities that might cause effort.

Simply email professors and organization leaders explaining your situation, and understandingly, you will be excused immediately. Tests, papers, quizzes and lab reports will just have to wait until after the bug has passed – you wouldn’t want to infect anyone!

To maintain as much immunity as possible, students are advised to complete all textbooks readings, spend as much time in the library as possible, and minimize contact with those infected.

Tais Hen, a graduate student in the College of Health Sciences, in currently concocting a flu vaccination in Wehr Life Sciences. He hopes to have the shot ready for use in the near future, and can be administered by those in Student Health Services. Once the vaccination is available, several clinics will be held in the AMU, and each of the dorms. Stay tuned for more information on this in the future.

**DISCLAIMER – This article is apart of The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition

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Marquette Irish bar nomenclature perturbs those of non-Irish heritage

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

Murphy’s. Caffrey’s. Haggerty’s. Yes, even the Harp and Shamrock. Besides being area drinking establishments frequented by Marquette students, these bars share another more sinister characteristic.

An exclusive months-long investigation by The Warrior suggests that all these businesses have names with Irish roots and collude to keep out competitors with more culturally inclusive atmospheres. Although most students remain oblivious to this implicit privileging of Irishness over other ethnicities, some have begun to question the status quo and their role in perpetuating Irish cultural domination, although they would speak to The Warrior only on the condition of anonymity.

For these dissidents, their heightened consciousness seems to stem from the festivities associated with St. Patrick’s Day. This day arguably commemorates the patron saint of Ireland who battled snakes as he spread Christianity throughout the Emerald Isle in the fifth century, but it has become a much-beloved occasion for parades, parties, and especially drinking. As one student put it, though, “When I was on campus celebrating St. Patty’s Day because I had nowhere else to go for spring break, I suddenly felt convicted of the insidious nature of this holiday. Here I was in an Irish-sounding bar surrounded by people wearing green, pretending to blend in, to ‘be Irish’ as it were. But I’m not. I’m mostly Bulgarian with some Liechtensteiner blood. I felt the ancestors shaking their heads in disgust.”

This assumption of universal Irishness, implicit in the bar names and St. Patrick’s Day, harms those who come from other backgrounds. In describing the psychological effects of this, a student of Czech ancestry observed, “It’s not that I need to have my Czechness affirmed every Thursday night or anything like that, or need a bar called Svoboda’s, but the total absence of my heritage within Marquette’s drinking culture hurts. I will always remember the scorn and almost disgust expressed by a bartender at one in the morning one time when I suggested major celebrations for St. Wenceslas Day [September 28, patron saint of the Czechs].” Given the number of national heritages represented at Marquette, it does seem striking that only Irishness is so privileged.

Of course, the obvious counterargument stresses the proud Irish Catholic heritage of many, perhaps even most, Marquette students and views the Irish struggle for freedom from Britain and the Irish-American battle for equal treatment in America as inspiring examples for us all. Perhaps, according the pro-Irish faction, we’re all Irish now.

Yet those who favor diversity with their drink refuse to buy into Marquette’s universal Irishness. “Just because we applied to Notre Dame as our first choice school and wear green to avoid getting physically assaulted on March 17 does not make us Irish,” complained one frequent patron of Marquette’s Irish bars, a graduate student with some Japanese and Texan heritage. Those who come from cultures without their own patron saints or religious traditions which reject specific saints describe an even starker reality. “Even if the bars opened their doors to modernity and inclusion by celebrating every patron saint’s day, I would still be left out because I am an atheist,” one student said while furtively glancing around.

These underground activists against the Irishness of our world seem unsure of their next step in what promises to be a long and painful battle for the soul of the Marquette community. Yet they remain determined to resist the Irish dominance underlying the area’s night life. As the first student quoted above remarked, “I don’t know how to rectify this injustice, but mark my words. It’s going down on October 19, St. John of Rila’s Day [commemorating patron saint of Bulgaria]. Bulgarians of Marquette, unite!”

Oddly enough, neither he nor any other student interviewed for this piece proposed a boycott of the campus bar scene, and they were eager to distance themselves from any suggestion of this and put down those groups which abstain from alcohol. This exclusion of certain groups from the inclusion campaign itself perhaps shows just how difficult Marquette’s long walk to freedom will be. As the graduate student put it, “Do I look Amish, Mormon, or Muslim to you?” No, indeed, he did not.

**DISCLAIMER – This article is apart of The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition

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Orphan Facebook photos now required for service learning credit abroad

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

Marquette’s Office of International Education (OIE) announced Monday that they will no longer accept credit for university service learning programs in Africa, South America or any other under resourced continent unless trip participants post at least ten Facebook albums documenting multiple emotional experiences between themselves and orphan children native to the country in which the service is taking place.

“If there’s not a smiling orphan in that photo, we can’t give a student credit,” said Mandy Grubbe, associate vice executive director in the Office of International Education. “Sure, students can fill out paperwork, and write reflections and all that, but unless they come back with at least 125 Facebook pictures, with no less than 75 percent of them showing the student hugging, kissing, cuddling or playing with an ecstatic, underprivileged orphan, we really can’t authenticate their service.”

The new policy has resulted in rush of profile pictures featuring Marquette students and the unidentified orphans they met during their service. Marquette officials says orphans of any exotic ethnicity is acceptable, but most photos hail from service learning programs in South Africa, Belize, Chile, Kenya or Ghana.

“At first the task of spontaneously lifting up children and making them smile long enough to get a photo was pretty daunting,” Stephanie Rove, a junior in the College of Communication said. “But then we figured out that if we give them enough candy and soccer balls, they’ll gladly do as many photo shoots as we want.”
Rove said before embarking on her service, she was nervous she wouldn’t be able to meet Marquette’s photo quota, but forming “snapshot” groups with other participants has been helpful.

“It’s been great to try our paparazzi-like tactics out on each other before we try them on the foreign orphans,” she said. “I mean, what a load off, now I know how to set up experiences to get the best framing and lighting to get all the photos I need and look super cool on Facebook.”

OIE has not instituted any formal requirements regarding specific orphan-service learner bonding activity in the photos, but Grubbe said students are encouraged to rotate at least five of their most touching images, as their profile pictures for the six months following their trip.

“Sometimes the photos are intimate, capturing a special moment between one student and their orphan of choice, or sometimes they show several students interacting with literally hundreds of eager, parentless children,” she said. “Either way, we need as much documentation as possible in order to verify that the Jesuit mission has indeed been advanced. And, of course, we have to keep the photos on our Web site updated.”

**DISCLAIMER – This article is apart of The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition

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Archaeological dig finds remnants of obnoxious, demeaning gender celebration in year 2010

Posted on 31 March 2010 by Warrior Staff

MILWAUKEE, 2237 AD- University archaeologists made a break through in a decades old dig Thursday, discovering a centuries old settlement of a Marquette society long gone. The site, which university archaeologist say will bring them unprecedented information into the way life was in the year 2010, was filled with documents, banners, photographs multimedia materials and evidence of ridiculous amounts of programming to promote “The Centennial Celebration of Women at Marquette.”

“I don’t know what the hell university officials were thinking that year,” said university Provost George Stanley. “Recognizing women as some sort of distinct type of human, calling out their “differences” and slapping them on a pedestal to celebrate one type of human group’s beginnings at Marquette, at the expense of the other human group is wildly uneducated and patriarchal, but man, it sure looks like they had a party.”

Students were equally disgusted and shocked by the ostentatious display of gender discrimination at the school, especially those in majors deemed “under-gendered” by celebrants in 2010.

“It’s like they rounded up every “female” on campus that year and forced them on to a panel to discuss their backgrounds and hopes and dreams,” said JunieYork, a senior in the College of Engineering. “I mean its kind of sad how ignorant they were back then, making such a big deal out of ‘women’ in math, science engineering and technology professions.”

Sally Toby, a junior in the College of Health Sciences echoed York and said evidence of the horribly demeaning celebration is heartbreaking.

“The oppression humans like me must have faced, with others calling out their gender differences right and left…I’m so glad we’ve finally come to a point where any sort of gender distinction is totally irrelevant.”

University spokesperson Yolanda Steinmo released a statement on the appalling discovery yesterday, “In a current age where gender and identity have been largely reconstructed to not recognize any gender differences between what was formerly referred to as “male” and “female” the fact that the university was so willing to shamelessly refer to that group of humans as somehow different in any physical, social or mental way illustrates the vast intellectual progress society has experienced over the last century.”

The Centennial Celebration discovery includes over 5000 artifacts from a variety of events on campus that year hosted by university officials. Further documentation of the morally depraved festivities includes videos, newspaper articles, pod casts, slide shows, photos and millions of inter-university memos and contracts.

“At one point it looked like administration officials were working on hiring a skywriter to write ‘Centennial
Celebration of Women at Marquette—We sure love our Ladies,’ in air space over the 50 largest metropolitan areas in the country” said Lawrence Bolly. “I mean, it’s really kind of sick.”

“All I can say is, I’m so happy to be as progressive and enlightened as I am today,” said Toby. “Marquette sure has come a long way.”

**DISCLAIMER – This article is apart of The Warrior’s April Fool’s Edition

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