Okay, so there was an election on the second day of the eleventh month of the two thousand and tenth year and from what I’ve heard, it’s either the most disappointing or most exciting thing to happen this year. That isn’t really any of your concern. The biggest issues for you right now is paying someone 10 to 20 dollars for one of those “I voted” stickers and reading this article just in case you are cornered into some sort of political conversation, God forbid.
All right, here we go, the first thing you have to know is how each side perceives their world. This way when someone starts talking about politics you can instantly know what side they are on
Democrats: So if this were a superhero movie, the White House is the Justice League Watchtower and Barack Obama is Superman, in that, most Democrats thought he could somehow turn back time at one point. Now, Michelle Obama can be Lois Lane, but she doesn’t really do any reporting. Really a better Lois Lane would be all of MSNBC, especially Chris Mathews. Sure, Lois Lane could never be in as much love with Superman / Clark Kent as MSNBC is with President Obama and I’m not entirely sure that Lois Lane ever remarked that her leg tingled after a speech made by Superman, but the analogy still kind of fits.
The former Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, is Batman. He’s instantaneously the toughest guy in the room, you’re afraid to ask if he ever murdered someone, and you’re just sure that he’s broken someone’s jaw in the past week. Now, Joe Biden is somewhat tricky to categorize. To do this, let’s pretend that DC Comics gave Superman a sidekick primarily for comedic effect and called him Boy Blunder. Joe Biden is Boy Blunder. Boy Blunder is great for comedic relief and you know that he’s going to screw up a lot, but if all of a sudden Superman disappeared and all of Metropolis was under attack by Braniac, the last guy you want there is Boy Blunder. The less Boy Blunder knows, the better. Heck, revoke his key card to the Justice League Watchtower / White House if you have to, just keep his sticky fingers (as it turns out, Boy Blunder eats a lot of candy) away from all the important buttons.
Hillary Clinton is Wonder Woman mainly because, in her eyes, her career is going through the same thing as the Wonder Woman movie in the works: “development hell”. Both sides perceive the U.N as Aquaman. Sure Aquaman is great when your underwater store gets robbed and the U.N is great when you need a non-binding resolution about where to deliver a crate of taco shells that were accidently delivered to a neutral zone between North and South Korea, but other than that they are pretty much useless.
Republicans: The Republican party is a really scary place to be if you don’t know anything about politics and frankly don’t want to know anything about politics. There’s the TEA Party, the more established republicans, and Sarah Palin. Because of that, it’s kind of hard to get an all encompassing view about the Republicans. Sarah Palin does have a basic cable reality show called “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” which I can only assume is a shot at Alaska’s current governor Sean Parnell. The republicans perceive the current administration as the Death Star. It was unbeatable a year ago, it shows some weaknesses now, and maybe in the near future they
can somehow bring it down. Naturally the republicans are the republic which would make Sarah Palin, umm, I don’t know, whoever Ewan McGregor played? I’m not sure, I mean there were a lot of movies. You know what, if you get into a conversation with a republican just run.
A quick overview of politics in general: The process of passing a bill through congress is absolutely nothing like the School House Rock song. It’s more like if a bunch of Muppets who all speak different languages and are playing a game of telephone. The chances are slim that you’ll get anything done.
By now you have probably realized that the best way to talk politics if you’re apathetic is to avoid the conversation at all costs. The key to doing this is simply inventing a persona with whom no one wants to talk politics with. You could easily be a Paraguayan diplomat who works on the side as Dennis Rodman’s hair color chooser. Perhaps you could be a Jewish priest at a Christian Church who practices Islam in his spare time. Nobody wants to hear the opinion of either of those guy. Especially the second one, I mean that guy clearly has a lot to think about without throwing politics into it.By Sunny Khahra [email protected]
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