Warriors! We’re almost there, our salvation is in sight! That wonderful time that is SPRING BREAK is finally here! In the spirit of fun in the sun, I’ve got tips for your beach attire, and I promise not to poke fun of anyone. Well, not too much.
To kick it off, Gentlemen, I want to walk you through what I take to the beach. First, I think its wise to invest in a beach bag. Don’t get all macho on me, I’m talking about a backpack, not one of those canvas totes girls and liberals put their groceries in. I use a beat-up vintage Jansport I found at a garage sale for a nickel. Seriously. It was five cents. It was once probably a bright blue, but the vinyl has worn down several shades and along with the leather trim and straps, the patina this thing has is luxuriously awesome. It only has three pockets; a main pouch for towels, a shirt, and extra shorts. A medium one for sunblock, a camera, and inflatable arm floaties. And a zippered pouch for my wallet, keys, and phone. Go thrifting and pick one up. Second, you can never have too many towels. Bring two big ones to dry off/lie down and a little one for your face/hands. No one likes sand in places where it ought not to be. Pack an extra tee, or two. Since you’re at the beach, have fun with them. Few places are more appropriate for vintage t-shirts. Bright solid colors, or shirts from your high school/past events are perfect. On my feet I wear boat shoes, as a personal choice because I regard all sandals somewhat suspiciously. However, a sunny day on the water is the only place male flip-flops are acceptable, so rock ’em if that’s what you’re into. To keep from spending the whole day squinting, rock some shades. My preferred eyewear is a pair of wayfarers, or understated aviators. Again, you’re at the beach, so those wayfarers with the lime green frame are okay. I personally prefer tortoiseshell but lets be honest, I also wear ties to class. One compromise: please don’t be the guy with the mirrored lenses, those look stupid.
For the main event, ie, the shorts, we need to have an adult discussion. You are no longer in middle school. You are no longer in high school. Step away from the board shorts unless you can legitimately board. Long boards, skate boards, and boogie boards don’t count. Actually, unless you own a surfboard, know who the Wolf Pack is (hint: Not from the Hangover), or can perform a cutback: You can’t wear them. Period. Please grow up. Your teenage dreams of looking like Kelly Slater or riding the Pipeline during the Classic need to be discarded. I grew up in a surfing community, and we all think you look dumb (Okay, so my hometown is the world freshwater surfing capital, but still). Don’t be a kook (surfer for “wannabe.”) “No boardshorts?!” You scream, “Well then what should I wear? A thong? My swim team jammer?” No. Buy some swim trunks. “But, Gus, they’re so… Short.” Yes, they are. Build a bridge, and get over it. Our lady friends wear what is essentially underwear in public with few complaints, but we men freak out if people can see our knees. Even if you didn’t spend the last few weeks preparing to be seen in public and your abs are still hibernating, you will look good in your new swim trunks. Trunks don’t have elastic at the top to squeeze your gut into a mushroom and the short length will help to elongate your frame and slim your appearance. The colors and patterns being offered by designers often have this effect in mind. So breathe easy, I have your best interests in mind. Swim trunks don’t have to be too far from your comfort zone, have a little confidence in yourselves, and embrace adulthood. Remember, my e-mail is always open and I will be more than happy to suggest specifics if you’re lost.
Ladies, you just keep doing what you’re doing. I have few complaints in your department, other than the obvious. And even then, few things are prettier than a tan smile and a nice personality. If anything, I’ll ask for a touch more modesty than is the current norm.
Lastly, I feel like I shouldn’t have to mention this, but, Guys: No sarongs. This isn’t Tahiti (unless you are, in fact, in Tahiti. In which case do whatever you want). For the Lady Warriors, please don’t come back orange.
My fellow Warriors, may your break be everything your parents wish it wasn’t. Hydrate, party hard, soak up some rays, and keep your swag on. (P.S. If anyone will be raging in Texas, hit me up.)